memories of a broken heart ,

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[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,width: 350px; padding: 10px; background-image: url(http://i.imgur.com/w6MZf.png);] as i stare into these ruins made by man, i tremble sixty four days. sixty four long and trying days. that number meant a lot to tabitha because it showed how long she's been without an alcoholic beverage. for the past few weeks she had been in a rehab facility after what the tabloids and gossip blogs considered to be a psychotic breakdown. tabby didn't really disagree with them either, there really wasn't any better way to describe it. she had been dealing with a lot and finding out that she was pregnant as well as having to get the abortion immediately afterwards sent her over the edge. her drinking had gotten out of control and she even began messing around with drugs again. she ended up driving under the influence. luck was on her side because she didn't have an accident, she was pulled over for her wreckless driving. it was then that she realized that she had lost herself and she needed to get herself under control. instead of going jail the judge told her if she attended rehab and finished the program he'd drop the charges. the perks of being a celbrity and first time offender. today was her last day and she was finally back at home, well..her new home. she wanted to start fresh, so that was getting rid of her old friends that had a 'negative' influence on her, which sucked but it had to be done. tabitha took it a step further and decided to move into a new place, away from old memories such as molly's death or her horrible relationships. so here she was, sat in her living room, staring at the television with a small frown. there was nothing on and she wasn't really sure what she should do with herself. it was going to take some getting use to, being sober and out of rehab and all. she hadn't spoken to her brother or any of her other family members because she was ashamed and embarrassed by her actions. sam and malo were also on the list of avoiding, she couldn't stand looking in their faces for in fear she'd start balling or worse, see the disappointment behind their eyes. you have to just accept the fact that that might happen, don't hide from it the voice of her therapist came into her mind, clear as day and it made her want to hurl something across the room. she turned off the television and made her way to the front door. grabbing her bag and her keys, she began making her way to her brothers house. she was going to have to start somewhere and she figured dealing with him first seemed logical. he was her blood after all and she hadn't spoken to or seen him in what seemed like ages. luckily it was in the middle of the day and rudy was still at school, she wanted to speak to justin first to make sure everything was okay before she reconnected with rudy. she had been so lost in her thoughts that she had been sitting in his driveway for an half hour. "stop it.." she mumbled to herself as she got out of her car and headed up towards his front door. when she got there however, she couldn't bring herself to knock and make herself known. am i really doing this? she thought to herself as she fiddled with her hands, a habit she had to show that she was nervous. tabby didn't want to fight with him, she wanted to make sure that they were okay. it was obvious he'd be upset, she could've been in the car with rudy or worse - she could've had an accident that took her life or someone else's. as she continued to think she realized that this was a bad idea and with a shake of her head she turned around, about to head back to her car when she heard the front door open. turning her head she saw her brother standing there in front of her. "uh...hey." she said with a shocked expression. "i was..in the neighborhood and thought that..i don't know, i'd stop by.." oh god, this was great. fan-fucking-tastic. notes: hope this is enough - tags: justin aka lam <3 - outfit: here

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IN THE SHADOW OF THE DAY

"When is Tabitha coming back?" Rudy asked. He looked up at his father as Jessica put a jacket around the boy's body. "Soon, I'm sure," Justin replied like a robot. It was the same answer each time the young boy asked about his one and favorite aunt. She was his best friend. Being apart from her for this long was affecting him the way a severe separation could affect any child. Justin knew this, but what could he do? He couldn't raise a better Tabitha from the grave. All he could do was hope that rehabilitation was doing her some good. At night, all he did was fret about her whereabouts. Was she making new friends? Having a bit of fun at least? Figuring out her life? There were many secrets she kept under covers. Maybe he didn't know all of them, but he knew that she had to face her demons before she could truly defeat them.

He leaned down and kissed Rudy on the forehead before making his way to the office. In the past two months, he had developed a habit of staring out at the driveway, hoping she would come home soon. He tried sending letters her way, but he couldn't bring himself to speak to her. All they did was argue when they talked about her problems. She would think he was disappointed in her. In reality, he was proud of her for going to rehab. Maybe she fell into it instead of walking into it voluntarily, but that didn't matter as much as the fact that she was getting help. He could ask for nothing more of her. He wanted her to be happy -- unpollutedly, wholesomely happy. His negative words were no help when she was trying to get herself a new life. He knew about the last of her actions before being put into rehab. Otherwise, she was a blank slate.

At times, Justin wondered to himself why he left his marine life to come back home. He remembered thinking of Tabitha each day, thinking that he had to be around to see her grow up. She was successful, humorous... Happy, at the time. When he came back, all he could dream of was her success. That was why he fell into his career. These victories of his, however, were nothing without sharing them with his baby sister. She was no longer a baby, though, and each victory felt stale without her. A promotion was nothing. He was making more money these days, but it seemed useless while his sister was in some facility and he was too big of a damn coward to try to visit her. He didn't want Rudy to know, so he didn't tell the boy. What good parent would? Finally, Jessica stopped asking the questions. She let him lie away with open eyes. At night, he couldn't rest. He would try, though, and he knew that rehab wasn't like dying. It was like being reborn, right?

When he saw the car pull up, he snapped out of his haze. "Is it really her?" he mumbled. The car stopped moving and no one came out. He frowned. Was she afraid he was going to yell at her? He was too hard on her. He knew this. He walked around his wooden desk and touched a bracelet Tabitha had left last time she was over. Their mother's bracelet felt like gossamer in his large hand. It was to be returned to his little sister. He wasn't glad she was here to see him. He couldn't feel glad when he knew she had the right to be angry with him -- or afraid. It was a strange feeling to him. It was relief and bitterness. She stole his sleep, made him worry. He had to pay attention to her every move to do her any good as a publicist. It was like walking through hell every day. Now she was here, and he felt unnerved and ecstatic. It left him in a numb panic as he walked to the door. Maybe he could just meet her at the car if she couldn't come out. Maybe he could meet her halfway.

When he opened the door, there she stood. "Tabby," he grinned. Seeing her sober was like seeing the young version of her. The red jacket she wore made her tan skin glow. He hugged her -- unexpectedly to both people -- and smiled. "I can't say how nice it is to see your face," he confessed. He held his ground for a moment and realized his poor manners. "Come in, please. We have a great deal to catch up on." He was trying to refrain from the judgment. He couldn't yell at her; he had to be happy she was here. Jessica was in the living room with her own work to do. She watched a cooking show as she filled out paperwork. It was technically her day off, but she never truly gave herself a break. She turned to see her sister-in-law.

WORDS 843 TAGGED alexa as baby sister <3 NOTES I MISSED THIS SO MUCH. And of course your post was good enough.

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[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,width: 350px; padding: 10px; background-image: url(http://i.imgur.com/w6MZf.png);] as i stare into these ruins made by man, i tremble she had been through rehab once before, though she didn't finish because at the time she felt she didn't need it. so she didn't experience the withdrawal symptoms that had her on her ass for a few weeks. the first few days she spent sleeping everything off and then the pain and mood swings kicked in and it was complete hell. though afterwards everything slowly got better and she began taking part of the rehabilitation routines. they spent a portion of the day in group; which was where they had everyone sit together in a room and talk about certain issues. then there was the one on one therapy sessions where they talked about the more personal issues in their life. tabby realized that a majority of her problems came from her mother passing and her estranged relationship with her father. wow, go figure. like she didn't already know that. what made her open her eyes and actually deal with it however, was that she had to talk about it. she had to participate otherwise she'd be sent to jail and tabitha didn't want that. so she sucked it up and did everything they asked her to do and she couldn't be more proud of herself. the only thing she hated was visitor's day, where her fellow roommates had their family and spouses come to visit, tabitha settled for no one. some of them would ask if she wanted to join with them but she told them no because she didn't want to intrude. so she'd spent that time in her room or doing some other activity like working out or reading. tabby would've loved to see her brother there, just so that he could see the improvement that she was making but he never showed. this was what made her assume that he was angry with her and possibly wanted nothing to do with her anymore. once again she was feeling completely on her own and she wasn't sure if she was ready to go through that again. which was why she was so nervous about showing up at his home unexpected. would he acknowledge her, explain to her that he was busy with rudy and jessica or the worst - tell her that he was done and slam the door in her face. her hands gripped the steering wheel and she talked herself into finally getting out of the car and making it over to the front door. however she couldn't bring herself to knock, instead she turned around and was about to beat feet back home but justin opening the door made her stop. she went stiff with shock when he pulled her into a hug, it wasn't something that she was expecting but after a moment she snapped back into reality and hugged him back. well, maybe he wasn't as angry as she thought - this was really good. then another thought occurred to her, they were cut from the same cloth when it came to hiding their true emotions. what they needed was to really sit and talk, not yell but talk about their issues. she only hoped that when she left here today that it would be on a good note and not a sour one. "it's good to see you too, i've missed you guys so much" she smiled, before pulling back and staring up at him. when he spoke up, she nodded in agreement before stepping inside with her hands fiddling with each other behind her back. tabby looked at jessica and placed a huge grin on her face as she bounced over to the woman and gave her a tight hug. "hi jessica!" she cooed, not really wanting to let go. "i've missed you like crazy and i thought you'd have my niece by now" she giggled as she pulled back. her eyes bounced around the place before she sat down on the couch and picked at her jeans. all of a sudden she was eager to hear how the family was getting on, how rudy was doing with school and everything. she wanted to hear all of the good things before they started talking about the serious stuff. "so how's everything been with you guys?" she asked, trying to make herself seem comfortable even though she was freaking out on the inside. notes: me toooo <33 - tags: justin aka lam <3 - outfit: here

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IN THE SHADOW OF THE DAY

There was a lot under the tough exterior of the man who stood in front of Tabitha. He had considered talking about the deep-ridden feelings of guilt from leaving his baby sister to fend for herself, but he couldn't find the words. In fact, years had passed at this point, and not one apology was uttered from him. When it came down to his anger and frustration with her, it seemed that most of it came from the disappointment he felt in himself. He had left her. Maybe it was his fault she had the worst of her failures to deal with. Maybe he was to blame for her frequent addictions. At the same time, he felt as if the leaving was necessary. He couldn't hold her hand in life, could he? If she was to be an independent actress, he had to let her figure it out on her own. If it could just take less pain and less trouble, maybe he would have visited her. If he could have made the transition into adulthood easier, he would have. Their mother wasn't around, though, and losing her left Tabitha all alone.

Justin knew that Tabitha was nervous. He saw the subtle signs of it, even if she wasn't being completely subtle. He smiled lightly, attempting to be positive. She looked great, honestly, but he knew she had the right to be upset with him. He left her once as a young teenage girl and another time as a distraught alcoholic. In fact, he was surprised that she wasn't reacting violently to seeing his face. He felt ashamed about his own self for not coming right out and apologizing. There was a better time and place, though, and he wanted her to see Jessica before the two siblings sat down in private. After so much time to reflect upon the relationship between the two siblings, Justin felt as if they were about to move forward in some ways. Yes, Tabitha had been a part of Justin's family and was close to Rudy, but he saw the new baby as a sign of new beginnings. She was due any day now. After arguing and switching the names on multiple occasions, they had decided on the first name and that they would consider the middle name at her birth. Her first name was to be that of Justin and Tabitha's mother.

Jessica blushed a bit at the comment about the baby. She was plump and glowing, but she refused to put down her work, and most people criticized her for it. She couldn't stand lying around, however, and she resorted to working as much as she could. It was like a challenge for the strong woman and Justin was the one to make sure she didn't cause too much stress for their baby girl. "I wish she could just come out already," Jessica laughed before sitting down and grabbing Tabitha's hands in her own. "I am truly glad you're back, Tabby." When she saw Justin shoot her a glance, Jessica straightened up with a softer smile. "I know it's probably been rough." In secret, Jessica had visited Tabitha twice, and she shared a look with her sister-in-law before standing once again. She pulled the girl into a hug. "You and your brother have some catching up to do. I'm going... I'm just going to turn on a cooking channel and fulfill some cravings." Her now tired eyes averted themselves to the hallway. She went into the bedroom and the sound of the TV set coming on showed that she was giving the two siblings their privacy.

Justin grabbed some juice from the refrigerator to offer his little sister. Nowadays, he realized, he was no longer familiar with her favorite flavors or foods. It seemed as if time had slipped through his fingers and his baby sister was now a stranger in his home. He handed her a glass and made himself comfortable on the couch. Before he could forget, he pulled the bracelet from his pocket. "I don't know if you were missing it, but I found the bracelet Mom gave you some time ago." He said it almost diplomatically, like it was a business transaction. He took a sip of the drink in his hand and folded his hands. "First off, I'm sorry that I didn't visit." His eyes glued themselves to the floor. He wasn't used to this whole apology thing, and his first instinct was to defend himself for it. You were mentally unstable. What would you have said to me? I could have hurt your progress. These thoughts invaded his mind, but he kept his mouth closed, waiting for a response.

WORDS 783 TAGGED alexa as baby sister <3 NOTES GLAD TO BE BACHK

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[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,width: 350px; padding: 10px; background-image: url(http://i.imgur.com/w6MZf.png);] as i stare into these ruins made by man, i tremble this what awkward. this whole situation was making her uncomfortable because she didn't know how to handle this reaction. she figured he felt as if he were walking on egg shells with her, not wanting to upset the alcoholic with the drug addiction. tabitha wasn't mad at him, she honestly could never be mad at him - believe me, she's tried to be. at the most she could get annoyed with him, but that was a normal sibling feeling to have. glancing around the place, she exhaled deeply as she noticed that everything was the same. jessica was just as plump as ever, a clear sign that her niece would be here soon and she couldn't wait. tabitha was going to try and make sure that she would lead a sober life from now on. she wanted to be around for her niece and nephew, she wanted to see them grow up and make something of themselves. she realized that if she continued down that road then her brother would be the one on his own, unless their father came around. tabby smiled at jessica as she made her feel like she was actually important, that she was actually worth something. jessica always had that aura about her, it made tabitha always want to stick around. she was the mother she lost and the sister she never had - their relationship was perfect. the woman even came to visit her when she asked her to, keeping it a secret from justin must have been tough but tabby felt it needed to be done. I know it's probably been rough. "oh, it was fine..it got better after.." she trailed before shaking her head and replacing the grim look with a grin. "it was fine." she stated with a nod. a part of her felt a little twinge of pain when jessica began to excuse herself from the room. it was time to talk to one another so soon? oh god, why did she show up? tabby hugged the female as tightly as she could without hurting her before sitting down once again. stop freaking out! he let you into his home, he even hugged you - this is going to be fine, she thought to herself. she mentally continued to calm herself down as she looked up to see him handing her a glass of juice. "thanks jus," she smiled before taking a quick sip. her eyes locked on the bracelet in his hands, the one that she had received from her mom a few months before she passed. it meant everything to her, she never took it off for anything unless her job required her to. "i did miss it.." she replied. tabby leaned over and took the small piece of jewelry in her hand, her fingers tracing over it for a moment. "i left it here for you, i wasn't sure what was going to happen so.." she stared at it for a few more seconds before handing it back to him. all of a sudden she didn't feel worthy of wearing her mother's jewelry just yet. "here, keep it.." it was weird seeing him this way, she was so use to seeing the headstrong man she knew as her brother. now he was reserved, making sure he watched how he spoke to her as if she were going to lash out and lose her mind. "you don't have to apologize, it's fine. really, it's okay." justin was or had been a workaholic, she remembered it was like pulling teeth when she tried to get him to go on a vacation. "for the first few weeks i wasn't in the mood to see anyone really..." she shook her head before laughing quietly. she wasn't going to go into detail unless he asked, no use in going down that road; re-living that shit for no reason. "but i mean, i figured you were busy with work and your family. i had some friends..well the two friends i have left anyway," she scoffed before continuing. "they came to visit, so not all is lost." tabitha was different, anyone who knew her previously could tell. not just by the way she looked but by how passive she seemed. everything seemed to roll off her shoulder and what use to bother her didn't anymore. the girl learned how to express her feelings without the tantrums, she was a grown woman and she needed to act like it. as she watched him avoid her eyes at all cost, she figured she'd say something to make him feel better. at least she hoped it would. "i'm not mad at you if that's what you think.." notes: (: <33 - tags: justin aka lam <3 - outfit: here

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IN THE SHADOW OF THE DAY

Tabitha said she felt fine, but Justin didn't know if he could believe it. He could tell that she was different; that was for sure. She was a different girl than the one who walked into that rehab center. He could tell that she looked better, of course. Her skin was brighter and her eyes were clear. There was something there, though, that was deeper than just the physical aspect, and he felt like she was either very broken inside or just well-recovered. He wasn't scared of her, but he needed to test the waters. He didn't want to be the cause of sudden anger. He decided that their relationship had to change; he couldn't beat up on his younger sister's failures for the rest of their lives. He had to let her know that he was sorry for abandoning her. He was sorry that she had to fend for herself because her brother had been so selfish. He didn't want to be remembered that way.

Justin could see that Tabitha had missed their mother's bracelet. For a moment, he felt guilty, as if he could help her and he was refusing to. For once in her life, she didn't need his help. He knew that. She had to get out and figure out the world on her own. It broke his heart, but there was only so much he could do to change her. Their mother would say te same thing. She'd tell him to love his little sister for who she was. Stop trying to change her. He kept on telling himself that, but the words never seeped in. When she asked him to keep the piece of jewelry, he hesitated for a few moments. If he argued, they would be going back and forth for an hour. He set it on the coffee table before taking a seat. He would figure out what to do with it. The silver bracelet simply seemed to precious to allow anyone else to wear. It was Tabitha's. She would collect it when the time was right.

Hearing about the loneliness of rehab made Justin feel shameful. She was excusing him, telling him it was okay, but he knew it wasn't. "It's truly inexcusable, my behavior," he replied after clearing his throat. Two friends? It sounded miserable, especially for someone who was as social as Tabitha. She wasn't always sociable, but she certainly enjoyed companionship, and he could only imagine how miserable it had been to be without it. He should have been there. He should have been the first person there. He had no idea what to say about himself at this point. "I don't see why you're not mad, Tabitha," he told her candidly. It was taking a great deal of pride to pry down his walls, but here he was. He could tell that she was surprised. Who wouldn't be? Justin, the man on top, was suddenly lowering himself to show his sister how sorry he was. He was a sorry excuse for an older brother. For that reason, he wondered how he could possibly be a responsible and loving father.

He felt so much remorse that he couldn't adequately express. "Two friends doesn't seem like a good number." He rubbed a finger across his chin in thought. He was trying to maintain that tough-guy stance. He wanted to be that business guy, the one who didn't have to feel, but he felt guilty. It wasn't strong, and his heart didn't feel like it was pulsing quickly, but in his own way, he was disillusioned with himself. "I mean, you're my little sister. I was responsible." It was difficult to apologize and to stick with it. All he wanted to do was go back on the "sorry." Then, he could pretend that nothing ever happened and that she had been around for the past two months.

WORDS 679 TAGGED alexa as baby sister <3 NOTES <3

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[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,width: 350px; padding: 10px; background-image: url(http://i.imgur.com/w6MZf.png);] as i stare into these ruins made by man, i tremble tabitha used to be tyrant, everyone who knew her knew that she could be a little devil when she wanted to be. it was known to be called the "morning family temper" where they could express this uncontrollable rage when they're buttons were pushed. for tabby it stirred from her alcohol abuse, when she was under the influence all of her pent up emotions would come out and she would lash out at anyone who crossed her path. a majority of her unwanted feelings came from her mother's passing because she hadn't dealt with it properly. she remembered being at rehab and coming to the realization that that was the cause of it all. when she was younger she didn't have anyone there to help her, she felt the need to tell people what they wanted to hear. that she was okay and everything was fine when in reality it was never okay and she most definitely was not fine. tabitha picked at her sleeve as she looked over at justin, on the outside he seemed tense but she could see the wheels turning on the inside. when she told him to keep the bracelet, she could tell that it was throwing him for a loop. it was the one bracelet that she could never see herself departing with, yet here she was telling him to keep it. tabitha planned on getting it back but she wanted to make sure that she was ready for that. wearing that bracelet meant that she was finally at a point in her life where she could make her mother proud. "i only have sixty four days, i want to get a little farther before i get it back." she found herself explaining. to her, sixty four days was just a small hump, she wanted to be able to be in a room with people who were drinking and not have the urge to barrel out of the room. he felt as if he did something wrong by not showing up and maybe he did but she was not going to blame him for anything. "you didn't want to visit me, it's alright. i'm here now, so let it go." she knew he wouldn't let it go until he got it out of his system, trouble was justin rarely talked about anything with her other than business. he was worse than she was when it came to being gaurded, justin seemed to be serious all the time with everyone other than rudy. i don't see why you're not mad, tabitha. tabitha's eyebrows furrowed together as she stared at him and shrugged her shoulders lightly. "do you want me to be mad?" she asked with a small laugh. "i could never be mad at you for something like that, yes, i was hurt that you didn't come and see me but i thought that i had ruined everything between us. i gave you a lot of shit to deal with and it wasn't fair and i'm sorry." she explained, feeling the need to apologize for all the crap she made him deal with as her publicist. "by two friends i meant malo and lissa but i made friends with the people in rehab, we still talk with each other. most of them were normal, everyday people so..it's a bit difficult to hang out with them when i'm a celebrity." she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees as she tried to think of what to say next. okay, she needed to just say what she felt about their relationship and everything else that was going on in their lives. she opened her mouth to speak but he beat her to the punch by saying something that needed to be said. "exaclty, you're my brother..not my dad." she stated. "you're not responsible for me, i'm responsible for myself. i don't get why you feel the need to blame yourself for my mistakes, i'm a grown adult, i'm old enough to make my own decisions and deal with the consequences. stop blaming yourself for something you have no control over." as she sat there and talked to him she knew that there had to be a reason why he hovered over her. she had a feeling that he may have felt guilty to for leaving but she couldn't wrap her mind around that logic. why feel guilty for living your life and finding a way to better yourself. "do you feel guilty about leaving when you graduated?" she asked him. "and you have to talk to me because if you don't then we aren't going to get anywhere with our relationship." notes: me toooo <33 - tags: justin aka lam <3 - outfit: here

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IN THE SHADOW OF THE DAY

If anyone could give one class that a publicist needed to be successful, it was psychology. Justin had to knows its ins and outs to understand people. Secondly, he needed experience, but without the book knowledge of how people worked and why, he would be lost. He could see why Tabitha was the way she was. She was a tragedy-stricken young woman. After losing her mother and dealing with her alcoholic father, she had fallen in -- then out -- of love with a cancerous young man. If that wasn't bad luck in her life, he didn't know what was. He had been there for the latter portion of her social life, but what did that mean if all of her problems were obviously fed by a fuel from the past? It revolved around the matter of their mother's death and the lack of adequate support. She had been unable to cope with it, and who could really blame her? No one. Maybe Justin's constant grudge against her was truly against himself.

She seemed nervous. She wasn't afraid of him; she seemed like the scary one of the pair. Justin was obviously remaining calm-headed -- apologetic, even. He wasn't in the mood to argue. Even if he were, it wasn't going to solve the problems at hand. It was his turn to apologize and do the right thing.

"That's a lot of time to be sober," he told her. He tried to imagine himself refraining from drinking scotch. Sixty-four days seemed like too long. "I'm really proud of you," he smiled meekly. The words tasted strange on his tongue when it was directed toward her, but it was his turn to be positive. "What's your goal, exactly?" he questioned in his business tone again. He felt like a yo-yo, bouncing between optimism and rigid behavior. He couldn't pick the side that was safest because he would risk making Tabitha feel like he hadn't been losing sleep over the events in her life. At the same time, if he chose to break down his own walls and be the good guy, their relationship would alter forever. He would no longer be the powerful older brother whose opinion was always right. He was giving up his pride.

Justin was a persistent man. She was right about that. He had brought forth his own cowardice in not visiting her, and she was telling him to let it go. He couldn't. For years, he had let go of the aspects of his life that bothered him. He had ignored his binge-drinking father and his helpless little sister. He had ignored Jessica's urges to change his life, to stop being so bitter and angry toward the world. The only thing he had going for him was Rudy. Even then, he felt like he wasn't around enough for his son. It was like he couldn't do anything fully right, but he was trying. Now that he was coming out with an apology, he wanted to make sure he did it well and did it all the way. He didn't want to beat around the bush anymore. He wanted her to be angry so he felt like the apology was warranted. Rehab, however, seemed to challenge him; her temper was subdued. She didn't want his apology, it seemed.

He nodded when she apologized to him. It wasn't fun to figure out about her life from the tabloids or from paparazzi. He had to roll up his sleeves and dig for dirt for Tabitha. He was damage control, but he couldn't seem to fix the issue before it was plastered all over People or Us. There was only so much he could control before rumors spread like wildfire. He had to fight off the bad gossip; he had to fight for her career and for directors to take her seriously. When it came down to her drinking problem, it took all of his persuasion to get her on the set of some of the movies she had been a part of. After rehab, he couldn't imagine what Oscar-worthy movie would have her face in it. He could only hope that he could work his magic and that her life wasn't lost forever in transit.

Justin felt relieved when she said that Malo and Lissa had visited her. "They're good people. I'm sure you could find a way to see your rehab friends," he offered. He believed that there was a way, if they were worth the trouble. "I know you're an adult, Tabitha, but there's a lot behind you that could have been helped." It was true. It wasn't something a therapist could have done for her. They both knew it. "I do feel bad about walking out. We both know I shouldn't have. I should have been beside you," he confessed. His eyes looked to the ground. For a moment, he felt an inexplicable urge to cry, but he held it back. Just thinking about Tabitha in such a fragile state made him feel vulnerable. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was going to mess things up for you. Or both of us."

WORDS 907 TAGGED alexa as baby sister <3 NOTES I'm getting all emotional...

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[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,width: 350px; padding: 10px; background-image: url(http://i.imgur.com/w6MZf.png);] as i stare into these ruins made by man, i tremble there were certain things that she didn't want to think about, let alone talk about and that was her family life and her love life. that part of her life was something that even she didn't quite get herself. when everything was going fine, why did she feel the need to try and ruin it somehow? why couldn't she just let herself be happy with someone? it was simple, she didn't think she deserved to be happy. tabitha had dealt with so much negative in her life that without her even subconsciously realizing it, she found ways to keep the negative coming. take her relationship with adam, all she needed to do was quit drinking and she couldn't even do that. not only did she lose out on a great relationship but she lost her best friend. "eh, i guess it is" she shrugged lightly, making it seem like it wasn't a big deal. "it's a start" she added. "i mean, i'm not making any promises this time. all i can do is try my best..." last thing she wanted was to make a big announcement saying that she was done with alcohol for good, then one day she'd have a slip. anyone could have a slip, the question was would you be strong enough to not let it control your life once more. her head snapped towards his direction, a look of surprise washing over her features. tabby couldn't recall the last time she had heard those words from him, it seemed as of late all she ever did was piss him off. still overwhelmed with shock, she didn't say anything about his comment. "i want to get to a point where i can be in a room with alcohol and not feel like my throat is on fire from thirst." she explained with a small grin. it was definitely tough, given how she was surrounded by so many triggers. it was all about the power of will, if you didn't have that then you had nothing. "did you hear what i said?" she questioned. "i'm not mad at you, i was hurry but like i said...i thought i ruined everything." tabitha's eyes dropped towards the ground as she cleared her throat. "i still think i have.." if he felt the need to apologize then maybe she should just let him do it. it was a mystery as to why he didn't show but maybe if he did apologize, she could find out why. "why didn't you come to visit me?" she asked cautiously. "just curious.." she never knew how difficult it was for her to get jobs because of her issues, she knew that it was indeed a problem but whenever she was working - she normally took to drinking a little less. with her going to rehab then maybe it would shine some light in her favor, it showed that she wanted to better herself and she left the trouble behind her. or so she hoped. "just call them my friends, not rehab friends...that's like calling me your rehab sister." she responded, not trying to sound like a bitch - she was just informing him. tabitha couldn't disagree with that but there was no point in dwelling on the what if's. she use to werner what her life would've been like if he would've stayed. would things have been better between all of them? she didn't know but a part of her could only see everything ending up else. the fights that she had with her father around that time would have probably been escalated had justin stuck around. she frowned as she took in his words. "justin, it's not your fault..." her voice trailed off as she let out a sigh. "do you really think things would be different if toy would've stayed because i'm not so sure." just the thought of two hot-headed makes grieving under one roof - there were bound to be some sorry of altercations. tabitha could recall sitting in front of her wildfire and starting out at a field of green grass and writing that she had summertime her she to spend time with. someone to talk with about the in's and outs of what she was truly feeling. there was malo, and sure she told him a little but it was nothing like talking to your sibling. she bit down on her bottom lip before leaning over and healing his hand within hers. "when you left i felt..." her voice wavered, she hated brining up old feelings like this. her eyes shifted towards the ceiling as if it would keep her from crying. "i felt like my best friends left me. that i wasn't good enough to make you happy, to make anyone happy really.." she admitted, her heart aching that she even uttered those words. "but then i got over it and realized that you were dealing with the same thing i was. you were just dealing with it the best way you knew how" notes: aww *hugs* - tags: justin aka lam <3 - outfit: here

[Deleted]

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DAY

He knew this was weird and that he was acting out of character. He could see it in her face that she felt guarded. Her brother was acting like a sap. It wasn't usual; he was always the one who spoke like a robot. He never wanted people to see through him. He felt like Jessica was bored with him most of the time. She was business-like as well, but she had the soft feminine side that attracted him to her in the first place. Now that she was a mother, her compassion had grown while Justin's fatherly resolve hardened. He was not a weakling. He certainly was not emotional. When it was necessary, however, he had to break down those walls, no matter how ardently his walls fought against his softened will. "I'm sure you can get where you need to go. I suppose it just takes hard work," he reassured her. Once again, the words sounded forced as they left his lips. He was rigid, sitting erect in his chair, and he knew that nothing he said seemed truly sincere.

Hearing that his sister still had an inkling of doubt about their relationship broke the older man's heart. "You didn't ruin it, Tabitha," he told her truthfully. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "I didn't visit you because I was afraid I'd ruin the experience for you, for one." That was no lie. Their relationship was undeniably negative because of his judgments and vocalized criticisms. Seeing her would have been obstructive to her recovery process. "Secondly, I was just a coward. I didn't know if I could stop myself from crying, just seeing you like that." His voice wavered only vaguely, then it went back to its normal fluctuations. "I couldn't look you in the face. It just wouldn't have been good for either of us. I was angry with you and you would have felt disappointed in yourself. I'm not mad anymore, though. And you shouldn't be angry with yourself. You know that. I'm glad you got help, even if you didn't exactly go voluntarily. It helped you. I can see it in your face." The changes were evident.

Justin was a bit shocked with her sensitivity. "I didn't think I was being offensive. I'm sorry," he replied, smiling a bit. It was rare for a man as charismatic as Justin to slip up with tactlessly constructed sentences. "You should go see them, though. It's nice to hold each other accountable." It was like having neighbors who had kids. Justin spent time with the fathers on their street and discussed what their kids were up to. When it came down to companionship, Justin believed that all people needed it, but he was also the type to withhold information. He only told what was necessary and shared nothing truly deep with people other than Jessica. He knew Jessica had her friends and that Tabitha confided in hers, but he was different. Maybe that was why he felt like he was manically depressed at some points. He just did a good job of hiding it.

His eyes darkened like a storm as he let out a sigh. "Sure, things would have been different. I don't understand how things could have been worse. You were on your own. You were so young," he explained, running a hand along his lips. He could remember her blowing bubbles in the driveway and running around in a sundress. He remembered making sure she got to school safely and didn't get into trouble. She remembered making sure the neighborhood kids didn't beat her up. Even with their age difference, he had been there when he had seen the opportunity to. He didn't leave her side until the demon of fear caught up to him. That was when he left for good. He cut his ties with his father and left his sister to fend for herself. At that point, the little girl in the sundress was a lost teenager. What did he have as an excuse? Tabitha would have stayed beside him. Even when he left, she was steadfast and true. Though she was corrupt, she was fiercely loyal.

Her forgiving hands enveloped his in warmth and he looked down, trying to chase the tears to the inside. He hadn't felt this emotional in such a long time, which was probably why he felt idiotic for wanting to cry over something that should be so trivial. His logic fought him, making the tears retreat for only a moment. "I didn't deal with it at all," he confessed to Tabitha. A tear streamed down his cheek as he put his other hand over hers. "I never even said I was sorry for leaving you with that man. He fucked you up and I have nothing to say for myself." He shook his head. "I always thought being your publicist would equate to being your guardian to make up for lost time. But look what I did, Tabitha." He looked at her in the eyes, seeing his mother looking right back at him. "I was so disappointed in you. But I was really just disappointed in myself for failing you." He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, looking away. He tried to blink it back. Maybe he could pretend like he wasn't crying like a baby.

WORDS 947 TAGGED alexa as baby sister <3 NOTES ARGGHHHH I WAS FIGHTING JUSTIN IN THIS POST

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[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,width: 350px; padding: 10px; background-image: url(http://i.imgur.com/w6MZf.png);] as i stare into these ruins made by man, i tremble if he was trying to make her feel like he had faith in her, he was failing miserably. the words seemed to be forced but she knew he meant them with the best intentions. or so she assumed that he did anyway. "sure, if you say so." she replied with a small smile. tabitha didn't want to ruin the mood with some smart comment. think before you speak. she figured she'd be hearing that guys voice until the day she died, a constant reminder - she only hoped that it didn't become annoying. it was like a breath of fresh air when he told her that she didn't ruin their relationship. he actually sounded sincere about it and not as if he had practiced it in the mirror a few times. her face contorted into a frown as she nodded at his response, well she couldn't really argue with that. "i can't picture you crying..actually i don't think you've ever cried in her life." she blurted with a quizzical expression. when they were younger she remembered she always cried, whenever he pulled her hair or broke her barbie dolls in front of her. sure, he took care of her when it came to other people but when it came to him - he had no bounds. his next set of words were what she expected him to say, who wouldn't be disgusted by her actions. she was pissed at herself and she spent a lot of time pointing that out and having herself a self-harm session. nothing serious, just the constant negative words she threw at herself on a day to day basis. denying herself the pleasure of making new friends and enjoying the few productive hobbies that she had. tabitha placed a smile on her, i mean, an actual smile was on her face. it pleased her to know that he could see all the hardwork that she put into becoming sober. the girl shook her head and was about to say 'it's okay' but she felt she had said those words way too much, so she opted for another version. "it's cool, i'm just..being weird." she stammered before glancing at the television for a quick second. "but yeah i'll hang out with them, not like i'm working on anything anyway. i'll probably never work again.." she laughed, just joking with him. tabitha knew that justin had issues with opening up to people, he always appeared to be the strong and silent type. always keeping people at a distance, she never knew his reasoning for it and she figured she never would. she leaned back as she saw the look on his face, ah, there was the justin that she knew. "uh, how could not think that things would have been worse? have you met john morning? some serious shit went down in that house that would've made you lose your mind." tabitha made sure that she never gave him the details of what went on, just a simple "we had a fight" would always suffice. things were never physical, just always verbal with the occasional throwing of certain objects. "you two are - were - exactly alike back then, totally hot-headed and angry at the would because of mom passing." justin not being around was a good thing for the both of them, whether he saw it or not. this was crazy, this was freaking crazy. a part of her was freaking out when she saw him cry, then the other half just wanted to comfort him. only problem is, she didn't know how. well, she knew how but she was scared that if she tried to hug him or comfort him in anyway then he'd just close himself off again. showing her that he could be that strong, robotic man that she knew him to be. "no, i turned out this way because i allowed him to, i could've easily not picked up the bottle of vodka but i did. not dad or you but me.." she explained with a half smile. tabitha's old self would be eager to put the blame on everyone else instead of pointing the finger at the right person - which was her. sure her father and her brother played at part but she sat there and made those decisions that shaped her life. she was completely taken aback, he was actually being totally open and honest with her. there was no business tone, he didn't try to brush it off - he was completely honest. sure he was trying not to ball in front of her but that was normal with anyone. tabby was trying to keep herself together, her whole body tense as she tried to be the strong one for once. she was failing however, she felt her face flush with heat as a few tears escaped down her cheeks. without even realizing what she was doing, she reached over and wrapped her arms around him for a hug. a heart felt hug that she hadn't gave him in what seemed like a long time. sure she hugged before but it was more of a going through the motions type of deal. this one she really meant and she held on as if it were the last thing she was ever going to do in her life. notes: bleh. i hate this. - tags: justin aka lam <3 - outfit: here

[Deleted]

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DAY

As his younger sister, Tabitha held the privilege of knowing him in full. No one knew him as well as she did, as much as he would hate to admit that truth. She was the only one who knew his darkest secrets and his tragic past. It was because they shared their pain. For two messed up people, they were doing well for themselves, yet nothing could mend the wounds left by losing a parent and having not one adult to rely on for help. Justin trusted no one as a teenager. He had no one to look to in order to redirect his moral compass. Instead, he pointed it at going out with friends or drowning himself in schoolwork instead of being there for the only person from his past who would end up mattering to him: Tabitha. No one else from their hometown was even remotely significant to him. He had friends from college, but he didn't think of high school or any time before that. No one had been there for him. Worst of all, no one had stopped him from leaving Tabitha.

It seemed like words were inadequate to express regret. Jessica knew nearly nothing of the magnitude of his grief. Every day was like walking through hell. It was the way he tortured himself ruthlessly, how being a good father to Rudy never felt good enough. He couldn't find the forgiveness he needed; it were as if he had blown his one chance. In many ways, that was true. He couldn't go back and reconstruct Tabitha's damaged psyche. "Don't say you won't work again," he replied. He smiled at her. "I wouldn't let you do that. You have lots of money, but I know how much you love what you do. Or you did. I don't know. I can't see you doing much else... You're made for acting. And dancing, of course. But they love you, the people do. That's why they care so much about what's going on in your life." Good or bad, it was true; the world was watching her every move. It meant that many loved her and more hated her. It was good for her career, but she was right. The pressure of it was devastating.

"It would have been best to stick it out together," he told her honestly. Why was she excusing him like that? "Imagine if I had been there. I bet you wouldn't be going through this." How could he forgive himself when it wasn't justified? He couldn't deny the fact that he had done a coward's deed by leaving Tabitha to fend for herself. If she chose to deny it, he would be lost. If she chose to recognize his mistake and still forgive him, he would rest peacefully for the first time in a decade. "I can't imagine what that man said to you," he told her. John Morning was a psychotic, selfish man. If there were ways to forgive that sort of hatred, Justin couldn't find it. Their father was a complete monster. He was always out for himself; he never cared, at least not after their mother left the earth. "And he should've been there for you, dammit," Justin mumbled.

Justin knew they had intimacy issues as siblings. They rarely hugged or kissed each other's cheek; that seemed to be Jessica's job. She was the sensitive, motherly one, not Justin. He just dealt with the business side of every matter; money was easy to talk to as were computers. When people told him about their problems, he always reacted poorly. He couldn't imagine how awkward it was for Tabitha. In fact, it wasn't exactly on his mind. He felt embarrassed for his own sake. "I could've done something. I don't... Shit, I don't know. I could've defended you. Something." He shook his head, almost unable to speak of his greatest shortcoming.

Finally, her own tears broke free from her eyes and fell slowly from her face. He met her halfway in their hug, something they hadn't done since they were children. "I'm sorry." He chuckled a bit, mortified of his weakness as a man. Crying just wasn't something Justin did; Jessica had only seen him cry once, and it was over the first time Rudy said, "I hate you." He was rarely sentimental. It was scary when he chose to let it out. At this point, he felt as if it was bound to happen at some point. "If I could go back, I would," he promised her. He would have fixed her problems before they haunted her. He would make sure that her future looked brighter. Now that she had gotten herself in this, it was going to be taxing to drag herself out and get her career back. "I just want you to be happy, Tabitha." He pulled back and grabbed her shoulders firmly. His eyes remained soft. "I'm here to protect you. I owe you that much." He took a deep breath and wiped his face with the sleeve on his arm. He was fully composed now, returning to his normal state.

WORDS 906 TAGGED alexa as baby sister <3 NOTES -sobs-

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[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,width: 350px; padding: 10px; background-image: url(http://i.imgur.com/w6MZf.png);] as i stare into these ruins made by man, i tremble he always talked about her damage, her problems when here he was with his own. tabitha always figured that sure he wasn't perfect but he at least had some type of closure from it all. she had no idea that he had been seeking her forgiveness all this time. the girl still had no idea on what she needed to forgive him for. he graduated, he had to move on with his life, their horrid home life was enough of a push to drive him out of there. as soon as she graduated, she picked up and left as soon as she graduated as well - not even giving a backwards glance towards that hell hole. now that he admitted that he hadn't dealt with any of it, she finally understood all of his actions leading up to this point. "oh, pfft - if it was about the money i'd just settle for marrying some handsome billionaire." she joked. growing up, tabitha always expressed her undying love for the arts, whether it was dancing, acting or even drawing. "well, i read the blogs and i think more people love to hate me. i can only imagine what their saying about me now." she grinned even though she was obviously being sarcastic. as soon as she stepped off the plane she was bombarded with a series of invasive questions. one in particular made her do a double take at the person who asked, who are you gonna date now? did you meet anyone special while in rehab? she had half a mind to snatch his camera from him and throw it down the street but she knew she couldn't do that. she wanted to be seen in a different light and getting into with the paparazzi was not a good way to start it. tabby took the moment to really weigh in on what he was saying to her. sure it would've been different and maybe her psyche wouldn't have been so fucked up but she wouldn't want anyone to go through what she did. "yeah, you're probably right." she said in agreement. there was no point in her trying to decipher what was actually going on in their father's head, no one but john himself knew what was wrong. she did plan on making a trip out to nashville to attempt to rebuild their relationship. tabitha hoped that it would work out but she of course had her doubts with the entire situation. "i'm not going to deny the fact that it would've been nice if you stuck around, definitely would've been less lonely but..." she trailed off as she stared down at the floor absently. "i forgave you for that a long time ago, like, a week after you left and i'm telling you now that there is no grudge or anything like that." she continued with a half smile. maybe this was what he needed to hear in order for him to grasp the fact that she wasn't mad at him. that she was never upset to the point where she'd hold some grudge against him and be this vindictive person. she certainly wasn't acting out just to make him suffer but she did plan on making his job from now on as easy as she could possibly make it. tabby shook her head in disagreement as she continued to hug him. this was what she wanted, to know that her brother wasn't some robot. that he actually had some emotions behind that tough exterior. her hands dropped to her lap as he spoke to her, she shot him a firm nod before speaking. "okay but you have to try and dial it back..just a little bit." she countered. "i'm gonna make your job easier this time around, i'm gonna attempt to stay out of the drama. no more scandals." she promised. tabitha hoped that she wouldn't have any more scandals, there was always going to be the scandals that were completely false but she was hoping she could become one of the celebrities that didn't have their faces plastered on the covers at all. notes: i'm failing. - tags: justin aka lam <3 - outfit: here

[Deleted]

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DAY

Justin cringed at the thought of Tabitha marrying someone for money. In reality, she had enough to take care of herself for years on end. She didn't need much other than a new life and a new home. He knew she couldn't leave Rudy, though, and he could never suggest it. Regardless of how bad things got for her, he couldn't let her run away -- not like he did before. He was all for being brave and facing the consequences. He knew about the paparazzi and how she had to keep her cool in all situations. If they found out her personal opinions on the matter, he couldn't see her career making it in the current situation. No one was going to take her if she was burned out. Her worth as an actress would see an extreme drop, and he didn't want to see that happen to his talented baby sister.

Of all of the people in his life, John Morning was the one Justin couldn't forgive. Though he had rarely been violent with Justin, the memories lingered in their negativity. After scarring Tabitha, he had no right to want a part in her life. Justin knew that John was probably curious as to how the time flew by. Now, the young girl who used to sing into a hairbrush was a Hollywood star. She had money, fame, success... and John was left with nothing. To Justin, that was what bad people deserved: to burn. "I'm sure it was lonely. Just you and John," Justin replied bitterly. He hated John. He tried to forgive him and speak to him, but the more he allowed himself to think about it, the more he hated the wretch of a man. He knew that Tabitha wanted to mend the broken link, but Justin saw it as an unwise decision. There was no more hope for their father.

It was a shock to hear that there had been no grudge held regarding Justin's absence. It seemed that most females held grudges, including his own wife. He knew that Tabitha could hold grudges when it came down to his transgressions, but this wasn't one of them? It made him feel uneasy, like she had never truly assessed how wrong it was to leave a young girl on her own after losing her mother and watching her father succumb to his addictions. He knew that he was forgiven and that he should forgive himself, yet the catharsis wasn't fully reached. A part of him still wanted him to feel awful about what he did; a part of him was full of self-hatred. These were feelings he never shared with anyone, not even his betrothed, and he couldn't fully understand them himself. He had the option of shutting off the feelings in his heart, yet that feeling in his gut lingered, no matter what he did to douse the flame of guilt. It was always there, waiting for him.

Justin looked back at his sister and client. "This is enough of a scandal," he told her honestly, "to keep my hands tied for... at least six months." He pondered what the consequences would be if she made another irrational decision. "I would tell you to watch your step, but I don't want you to have to watch anything just for people to like you. Just... try to stay clean right now. But don't be afraid of the press." He couldn't believe he was saying that, considering those who weren't on his side were against him; and fear was inherent in the life of a publicist. "I can take care of this rehab conflict. Just promise me you won't give them any quotes when they ask you." It wasn't a request, but a demand.

Once they agreed on the premises of the new developments in her career, Justin was sure that she could handle it. It seemed like rehab made her far more rational. Her forgiveness made him less of a nuisance and more of a companion, and their relationship was renewed for the time being. The next worry was the new baby on the way and how the family would adjust. All he could hope for was for Tabitha to stay in LA and become a part of the new baby's life. But each step was taken apprehensively, and he had to prepare for all circumstances.

WORDS 759 TAGGED alexa as baby sister <3 NOTES CLOSED!

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