// PAIN , OPEN
Nov 9, 2012 16:03:20 GMT -5
Post by maggie on Nov 9, 2012 16:03:20 GMT -5
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] EVERYTHING IS NUMBNESS The Words: 1,030 The Outfit: LBD The Notes tag: open. "son of a bitch!" ryan screamed as she grabbed the first thing in reach, which happened to be a bedside lamp, and pitched it across the room. the lamp's plug yanked out of the wall, stalling it's fall but not enough to keep the thing from breaking. the porcelain of the base shattered into a million pieces against the wood doorframe that sectioned off her bedroom from the hallway where titan appeared. "go lay down." ryan growled at her pup, watching him turn and tuck tail as he walked to the living room and seated himself on the couch. ryan automatically felt washed with shame. it wasn't her dog's fault that her former fiancé was a two-timing piece of trash. it wasn't titan's fault that leo just up and left her behind without so much as looking her in the eye. "fucking bastard!" she screamed, crouching down as though the words were just too much for her to say while standing. her hands fisted at her temple as ryan bit the inside of her lip to the point she drew blood, and pushed herself to stand up. she heaved a sigh as she stepped forward, over the crunching pieces of porcelain and headed into the kitchen. she saw titan's head pop up over the armrest of her couch and duck back down, avoiding ryan's eyes as she simply closed the door and left the mess for later. she stepped into the kitchen and extended her arm to the half-empty bottle of whiskey on her counter which was waiting for her to finish it. ryan yanked off the top and took an impressive swig. she wasn't in the mood for just getting buzzed. she wanted the pain to go away. she wanted to not feel so completely alone for once in her life. she was tired. oh so tired. and she couldn't sleep a wink. the nightmares came back. the ones that leo used to be able to silence just with his presence were back, fueled by alcohol and pure, red-hot, blind rage. she was done. it had gotten to the point where the only slep she could get happened when she was blackout drunk. if that was the case, that was what she would do to sleep. she couldn't face the nightmares alone. when it hadn't been leo helping her overcome her demons it had been jordan who had taught her how to fight and make sure she never felt so desperate and out of control again. he lied. he fucking lied through his teeth. she felt out of control at this very moment. she couldn't take feeling like this again. she needed to do something, get back to the ryan she had been before she had let herself stupidly fall for some asshole actor with commitment issues. never again. it had been a mistake to let someone in in the first place. ryan was so much better off when people were left at arm's length, when they didn't sink daggers into her heart and wrench them out at different angles. no she was done. she would never let someone in again. that had been a big mistake that she was not keen to get back to at all. ryan felt a mild burn in her throat as she chugged back the whiskey but felt nothing. no change, no reduction in pain, nothing. grumbling, ryan dragged the bottle behind her on the counter as she headed back down the hall to the bedroom. she didn't know what she was doing anymore. she had closed the door to never look at the mess again but she couldn't be bothered to just sit on the couch and drink away her sorrows. she wanted to be surrounded by a writhing mass of people. she wanted to feel the pounding beat of music in her bones once again. she wanted back to the life she'd left behind for him. for that fuckwad. ryan hopped in and out of the shower, getting herself clean before she slid into her robe and dried off, making quick work of her make up. it was her job to make quick, easy make up jobs that looked like a million bucks and it was nice to see that, with a slight buzz, she could still pull off bold, straight lines and perfect coloring. whatever. she didn't care. she'd go out in her pajamas if she felt like it or if she thought she could still get into the club without it. once dolled up, ryan headed to the closet and yanked on a short, black mini dress, sank her feet into some mile high heels, and grabbed what she needed before she headed out to the taxi which she had simultaneously managed to call. once in, ryan gave the driver her desired location and just sat back, watching the lights of new york pass her by. they stopped a few minutes later and ryan paid and stepped out. she headed up to the bouncer at the door, got a knowing look and a sympathetic smile and was let in without so much as a word. the smile did nothing for ryan's mood. everyone had seen the tabloid that had set ryan off enough to throw a lamp in the first place and everyone knew that her finance had walked out on her. everyone knew she was a heartbroken mess. everyone fucking knew. ryan remembered those days when she was a nobody. she just painted faces for a living until some actor had come into her life. now everyone knew her. she was "that girl leo left high and dry". yeah, well that girl needed a drink or seven now with all of these eyes on her. "yeah take a picture assholes." ryan grumbled under her breath as she pushed through the crowd until she reached the bar. she flagged down the bartender and ordered three shots which she downed the moment they reached her, one after the other. "keep them coming tonight." she said to the man as she handed over her credit card for the tab. she was going to be making a big dent in that tonight. |