memories of a broken heart ,

"When is Tabitha coming back?" Rudy asked. He looked up at his father as Jessica put a jacket around the boy's body. "Soon, I'm sure," Justin replied like a robot. It was the same answer each time the young boy asked about his one and favorite aunt. She was his best friend. Being apart from her for this long was affecting him the way a severe separation could affect any child. Justin knew this, but what could he do? He couldn't raise a better Tabitha from the grave. All he could do was hope that rehabilitation was doing her some good. At night, all he did was fret about her whereabouts. Was she making new friends? Having a bit of fun at least? Figuring out her life? There were many secrets she kept under covers. Maybe he didn't know all of them, but he knew that she had to face her demons before she could truly defeat them.

He leaned down and kissed Rudy on the forehead before making his way to the office. In the past two months, he had developed a habit of staring out at the driveway, hoping she would come home soon. He tried sending letters her way, but he couldn't bring himself to speak to her. All they did was argue when they talked about her problems. She would think he was disappointed in her. In reality, he was proud of her for going to rehab. Maybe she fell into it instead of walking into it voluntarily, but that didn't matter as much as the fact that she was getting help. He could ask for nothing more of her. He wanted her to be happy -- unpollutedly, wholesomely happy. His negative words were no help when she was trying to get herself a new life. He knew about the last of her actions before being put into rehab. Otherwise, she was a blank slate.

At times, Justin wondered to himself why he left his marine life to come back home. He remembered thinking of Tabitha each day, thinking that he had to be around to see her grow up. She was successful, humorous... Happy, at the time. When he came back, all he could dream of was her success. That was why he fell into his career. These victories of his, however, were nothing without sharing them with his baby sister. She was no longer a baby, though, and each victory felt stale without her. A promotion was nothing. He was making more money these days, but it seemed useless while his sister was in some facility and he was too big of a damn coward to try to visit her. He didn't want Rudy to know, so he didn't tell the boy. What good parent would? Finally, Jessica stopped asking the questions. She let him lie away with open eyes. At night, he couldn't rest. He would try, though, and he knew that rehab wasn't like dying. It was like being reborn, right?

When he saw the car pull up, he snapped out of his haze. "Is it really her?" he mumbled. The car stopped moving and no one came out. He frowned. Was she afraid he was going to yell at her? He was too hard on her. He knew this. He walked around his wooden desk and touched a bracelet Tabitha had left last time she was over. Their mother's bracelet felt like gossamer in his large hand. It was to be returned to his little sister. He wasn't glad she was here to see him. He couldn't feel glad when he knew she had the right to be angry with him -- or afraid. It was a strange feeling to him. It was relief and bitterness. She stole his sleep, made him worry. He had to pay attention to her every move to do her any good as a publicist. It was like walking through hell every day. Now she was here, and he felt unnerved and ecstatic. It left him in a numb panic as he walked to the door. Maybe he could just meet her at the car if she couldn't come out. Maybe he could meet her halfway.

When he opened the door, there she stood. "Tabby," he grinned. Seeing her sober was like seeing the young version of her. The red jacket she wore made her tan skin glow. He hugged her -- unexpectedly to both people -- and smiled. "I can't say how nice it is to see your face," he confessed. He held his ground for a moment and realized his poor manners. "Come in, please. We have a great deal to catch up on." He was trying to refrain from the judgment. He couldn't yell at her; he had to be happy she was here. Jessica was in the living room with her own work to do. She watched a cooking show as she filled out paperwork. It was technically her day off, but she never truly gave herself a break. She turned to see her sister-in-law.

There was a lot under the tough exterior of the man who stood in front of Tabitha. He had considered talking about the deep-ridden feelings of guilt from leaving his baby sister to fend for herself, but he couldn't find the words. In fact, years had passed at this point, and not one apology was uttered from him. When it came down to his anger and frustration with her, it seemed that most of it came from the disappointment he felt in himself. He had left her. Maybe it was his fault she had the worst of her failures to deal with. Maybe he was to blame for her frequent addictions. At the same time, he felt as if the leaving was necessary. He couldn't hold her hand in life, could he? If she was to be an independent actress, he had to let her figure it out on her own. If it could just take less pain and less trouble, maybe he would have visited her. If he could have made the transition into adulthood easier, he would have. Their mother wasn't around, though, and losing her left Tabitha all alone.

Justin knew that Tabitha was nervous. He saw the subtle signs of it, even if she wasn't being completely subtle. He smiled lightly, attempting to be positive. She looked great, honestly, but he knew she had the right to be upset with him. He left her once as a young teenage girl and another time as a distraught alcoholic. In fact, he was surprised that she wasn't reacting violently to seeing his face. He felt ashamed about his own self for not coming right out and apologizing. There was a better time and place, though, and he wanted her to see Jessica before the two siblings sat down in private. After so much time to reflect upon the relationship between the two siblings, Justin felt as if they were about to move forward in some ways. Yes, Tabitha had been a part of Justin's family and was close to Rudy, but he saw the new baby as a sign of new beginnings. She was due any day now. After arguing and switching the names on multiple occasions, they had decided on the first name and that they would consider the middle name at her birth. Her first name was to be that of Justin and Tabitha's mother.

Jessica blushed a bit at the comment about the baby. She was plump and glowing, but she refused to put down her work, and most people criticized her for it. She couldn't stand lying around, however, and she resorted to working as much as she could. It was like a challenge for the strong woman and Justin was the one to make sure she didn't cause too much stress for their baby girl. "I wish she could just come out already," Jessica laughed before sitting down and grabbing Tabitha's hands in her own. "I am truly glad you're back, Tabby." When she saw Justin shoot her a glance, Jessica straightened up with a softer smile. "I know it's probably been rough." In secret, Jessica had visited Tabitha twice, and she shared a look with her sister-in-law before standing once again. She pulled the girl into a hug. "You and your brother have some catching up to do. I'm going... I'm just going to turn on a cooking channel and fulfill some cravings." Her now tired eyes averted themselves to the hallway. She went into the bedroom and the sound of the TV set coming on showed that she was giving the two siblings their privacy.

Justin grabbed some juice from the refrigerator to offer his little sister. Nowadays, he realized, he was no longer familiar with her favorite flavors or foods. It seemed as if time had slipped through his fingers and his baby sister was now a stranger in his home. He handed her a glass and made himself comfortable on the couch. Before he could forget, he pulled the bracelet from his pocket. "I don't know if you were missing it, but I found the bracelet Mom gave you some time ago." He said it almost diplomatically, like it was a business transaction. He took a sip of the drink in his hand and folded his hands. "First off, I'm sorry that I didn't visit." His eyes glued themselves to the floor. He wasn't used to this whole apology thing, and his first instinct was to defend himself for it. You were mentally unstable. What would you have said to me? I could have hurt your progress. These thoughts invaded his mind, but he kept his mouth closed, waiting for a response.

Tabitha said she felt fine, but Justin didn't know if he could believe it. He could tell that she was different; that was for sure. She was a different girl than the one who walked into that rehab center. He could tell that she looked better, of course. Her skin was brighter and her eyes were clear. There was something there, though, that was deeper than just the physical aspect, and he felt like she was either very broken inside or just well-recovered. He wasn't scared of her, but he needed to test the waters. He didn't want to be the cause of sudden anger. He decided that their relationship had to change; he couldn't beat up on his younger sister's failures for the rest of their lives. He had to let her know that he was sorry for abandoning her. He was sorry that she had to fend for herself because her brother had been so selfish. He didn't want to be remembered that way.

Justin could see that Tabitha had missed their mother's bracelet. For a moment, he felt guilty, as if he could help her and he was refusing to. For once in her life, she didn't need his help. He knew that. She had to get out and figure out the world on her own. It broke his heart, but there was only so much he could do to change her. Their mother would say te same thing. She'd tell him to love his little sister for who she was. Stop trying to change her. He kept on telling himself that, but the words never seeped in. When she asked him to keep the piece of jewelry, he hesitated for a few moments. If he argued, they would be going back and forth for an hour. He set it on the coffee table before taking a seat. He would figure out what to do with it. The silver bracelet simply seemed to precious to allow anyone else to wear. It was Tabitha's. She would collect it when the time was right.

Hearing about the loneliness of rehab made Justin feel shameful. She was excusing him, telling him it was okay, but he knew it wasn't. "It's truly inexcusable, my behavior," he replied after clearing his throat. Two friends? It sounded miserable, especially for someone who was as social as Tabitha. She wasn't always sociable, but she certainly enjoyed companionship, and he could only imagine how miserable it had been to be without it. He should have been there. He should have been the first person there. He had no idea what to say about himself at this point. "I don't see why you're not mad, Tabitha," he told her candidly. It was taking a great deal of pride to pry down his walls, but here he was. He could tell that she was surprised. Who wouldn't be? Justin, the man on top, was suddenly lowering himself to show his sister how sorry he was. He was a sorry excuse for an older brother. For that reason, he wondered how he could possibly be a responsible and loving father.

He felt so much remorse that he couldn't adequately express. "Two friends doesn't seem like a good number." He rubbed a finger across his chin in thought. He was trying to maintain that tough-guy stance. He wanted to be that business guy, the one who didn't have to feel, but he felt guilty. It wasn't strong, and his heart didn't feel like it was pulsing quickly, but in his own way, he was disillusioned with himself. "I mean, you're my little sister. I was responsible." It was difficult to apologize and to stick with it. All he wanted to do was go back on the "sorry." Then, he could pretend that nothing ever happened and that she had been around for the past two months.

If anyone could give one class that a publicist needed to be successful, it was psychology. Justin had to knows its ins and outs to understand people. Secondly, he needed experience, but without the book knowledge of how people worked and why, he would be lost. He could see why Tabitha was the way she was. She was a tragedy-stricken young woman. After losing her mother and dealing with her alcoholic father, she had fallen in -- then out -- of love with a cancerous young man. If that wasn't bad luck in her life, he didn't know what was. He had been there for the latter portion of her social life, but what did that mean if all of her problems were obviously fed by a fuel from the past? It revolved around the matter of their mother's death and the lack of adequate support. She had been unable to cope with it, and who could really blame her? No one. Maybe Justin's constant grudge against her was truly against himself.

She seemed nervous. She wasn't afraid of him; she seemed like the scary one of the pair. Justin was obviously remaining calm-headed -- apologetic, even. He wasn't in the mood to argue. Even if he were, it wasn't going to solve the problems at hand. It was his turn to apologize and do the right thing.

"That's a lot of time to be sober," he told her. He tried to imagine himself refraining from drinking scotch. Sixty-four days seemed like too long. "I'm really proud of you," he smiled meekly. The words tasted strange on his tongue when it was directed toward her, but it was his turn to be positive. "What's your goal, exactly?" he questioned in his business tone again. He felt like a yo-yo, bouncing between optimism and rigid behavior. He couldn't pick the side that was safest because he would risk making Tabitha feel like he hadn't been losing sleep over the events in her life. At the same time, if he chose to break down his own walls and be the good guy, their relationship would alter forever. He would no longer be the powerful older brother whose opinion was always right. He was giving up his pride.

Justin was a persistent man. She was right about that. He had brought forth his own cowardice in not visiting her, and she was telling him to let it go. He couldn't. For years, he had let go of the aspects of his life that bothered him. He had ignored his binge-drinking father and his helpless little sister. He had ignored Jessica's urges to change his life, to stop being so bitter and angry toward the world. The only thing he had going for him was Rudy. Even then, he felt like he wasn't around enough for his son. It was like he couldn't do anything fully right, but he was trying. Now that he was coming out with an apology, he wanted to make sure he did it well and did it all the way. He didn't want to beat around the bush anymore. He wanted her to be angry so he felt like the apology was warranted. Rehab, however, seemed to challenge him; her temper was subdued. She didn't want his apology, it seemed.

He nodded when she apologized to him. It wasn't fun to figure out about her life from the tabloids or from paparazzi. He had to roll up his sleeves and dig for dirt for Tabitha. He was damage control, but he couldn't seem to fix the issue before it was plastered all over People or Us. There was only so much he could control before rumors spread like wildfire. He had to fight off the bad gossip; he had to fight for her career and for directors to take her seriously. When it came down to her drinking problem, it took all of his persuasion to get her on the set of some of the movies she had been a part of. After rehab, he couldn't imagine what Oscar-worthy movie would have her face in it. He could only hope that he could work his magic and that her life wasn't lost forever in transit.

Justin felt relieved when she said that Malo and Lissa had visited her. "They're good people. I'm sure you could find a way to see your rehab friends," he offered. He believed that there was a way, if they were worth the trouble. "I know you're an adult, Tabitha, but there's a lot behind you that could have been helped." It was true. It wasn't something a therapist could have done for her. They both knew it. "I do feel bad about walking out. We both know I shouldn't have. I should have been beside you," he confessed. His eyes looked to the ground. For a moment, he felt an inexplicable urge to cry, but he held it back. Just thinking about Tabitha in such a fragile state made him feel vulnerable. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was going to mess things up for you. Or both of us."

He knew this was weird and that he was acting out of character. He could see it in her face that she felt guarded. Her brother was acting like a sap. It wasn't usual; he was always the one who spoke like a robot. He never wanted people to see through him. He felt like Jessica was bored with him most of the time. She was business-like as well, but she had the soft feminine side that attracted him to her in the first place. Now that she was a mother, her compassion had grown while Justin's fatherly resolve hardened. He was not a weakling. He certainly was not emotional. When it was necessary, however, he had to break down those walls, no matter how ardently his walls fought against his softened will. "I'm sure you can get where you need to go. I suppose it just takes hard work," he reassured her. Once again, the words sounded forced as they left his lips. He was rigid, sitting erect in his chair, and he knew that nothing he said seemed truly sincere.

Hearing that his sister still had an inkling of doubt about their relationship broke the older man's heart. "You didn't ruin it, Tabitha," he told her truthfully. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "I didn't visit you because I was afraid I'd ruin the experience for you, for one." That was no lie. Their relationship was undeniably negative because of his judgments and vocalized criticisms. Seeing her would have been obstructive to her recovery process. "Secondly, I was just a coward. I didn't know if I could stop myself from crying, just seeing you like that." His voice wavered only vaguely, then it went back to its normal fluctuations. "I couldn't look you in the face. It just wouldn't have been good for either of us. I was angry with you and you would have felt disappointed in yourself. I'm not mad anymore, though. And you shouldn't be angry with yourself. You know that. I'm glad you got help, even if you didn't exactly go voluntarily. It helped you. I can see it in your face." The changes were evident.

Justin was a bit shocked with her sensitivity. "I didn't think I was being offensive. I'm sorry," he replied, smiling a bit. It was rare for a man as charismatic as Justin to slip up with tactlessly constructed sentences. "You should go see them, though. It's nice to hold each other accountable." It was like having neighbors who had kids. Justin spent time with the fathers on their street and discussed what their kids were up to. When it came down to companionship, Justin believed that all people needed it, but he was also the type to withhold information. He only told what was necessary and shared nothing truly deep with people other than Jessica. He knew Jessica had her friends and that Tabitha confided in hers, but he was different. Maybe that was why he felt like he was manically depressed at some points. He just did a good job of hiding it.

His eyes darkened like a storm as he let out a sigh. "Sure, things would have been different. I don't understand how things could have been worse. You were on your own. You were so young," he explained, running a hand along his lips. He could remember her blowing bubbles in the driveway and running around in a sundress. He remembered making sure she got to school safely and didn't get into trouble. She remembered making sure the neighborhood kids didn't beat her up. Even with their age difference, he had been there when he had seen the opportunity to. He didn't leave her side until the demon of fear caught up to him. That was when he left for good. He cut his ties with his father and left his sister to fend for herself. At that point, the little girl in the sundress was a lost teenager. What did he have as an excuse? Tabitha would have stayed beside him. Even when he left, she was steadfast and true. Though she was corrupt, she was fiercely loyal.

Her forgiving hands enveloped his in warmth and he looked down, trying to chase the tears to the inside. He hadn't felt this emotional in such a long time, which was probably why he felt idiotic for wanting to cry over something that should be so trivial. His logic fought him, making the tears retreat for only a moment. "I didn't deal with it at all," he confessed to Tabitha. A tear streamed down his cheek as he put his other hand over hers. "I never even said I was sorry for leaving you with that man. He fucked you up and I have nothing to say for myself." He shook his head. "I always thought being your publicist would equate to being your guardian to make up for lost time. But look what I did, Tabitha." He looked at her in the eyes, seeing his mother looking right back at him. "I was so disappointed in you. But I was really just disappointed in myself for failing you." He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, looking away. He tried to blink it back. Maybe he could pretend like he wasn't crying like a baby.

As his younger sister, Tabitha held the privilege of knowing him in full. No one knew him as well as she did, as much as he would hate to admit that truth. She was the only one who knew his darkest secrets and his tragic past. It was because they shared their pain. For two messed up people, they were doing well for themselves, yet nothing could mend the wounds left by losing a parent and having not one adult to rely on for help. Justin trusted no one as a teenager. He had no one to look to in order to redirect his moral compass. Instead, he pointed it at going out with friends or drowning himself in schoolwork instead of being there for the only person from his past who would end up mattering to him: Tabitha. No one else from their hometown was even remotely significant to him. He had friends from college, but he didn't think of high school or any time before that. No one had been there for him. Worst of all, no one had stopped him from leaving Tabitha.

It seemed like words were inadequate to express regret. Jessica knew nearly nothing of the magnitude of his grief. Every day was like walking through hell. It was the way he tortured himself ruthlessly, how being a good father to Rudy never felt good enough. He couldn't find the forgiveness he needed; it were as if he had blown his one chance. In many ways, that was true. He couldn't go back and reconstruct Tabitha's damaged psyche. "Don't say you won't work again," he replied. He smiled at her. "I wouldn't let you do that. You have lots of money, but I know how much you love what you do. Or you did. I don't know. I can't see you doing much else... You're made for acting. And dancing, of course. But they love you, the people do. That's why they care so much about what's going on in your life." Good or bad, it was true; the world was watching her every move. It meant that many loved her and more hated her. It was good for her career, but she was right. The pressure of it was devastating.

"It would have been best to stick it out together," he told her honestly. Why was she excusing him like that? "Imagine if I had been there. I bet you wouldn't be going through this." How could he forgive himself when it wasn't justified? He couldn't deny the fact that he had done a coward's deed by leaving Tabitha to fend for herself. If she chose to deny it, he would be lost. If she chose to recognize his mistake and still forgive him, he would rest peacefully for the first time in a decade. "I can't imagine what that man said to you," he told her. John Morning was a psychotic, selfish man. If there were ways to forgive that sort of hatred, Justin couldn't find it. Their father was a complete monster. He was always out for himself; he never cared, at least not after their mother left the earth. "And he should've been there for you, dammit," Justin mumbled.

Justin knew they had intimacy issues as siblings. They rarely hugged or kissed each other's cheek; that seemed to be Jessica's job. She was the sensitive, motherly one, not Justin. He just dealt with the business side of every matter; money was easy to talk to as were computers. When people told him about their problems, he always reacted poorly. He couldn't imagine how awkward it was for Tabitha. In fact, it wasn't exactly on his mind. He felt embarrassed for his own sake. "I could've done something. I don't... Shit, I don't know. I could've defended you. Something." He shook his head, almost unable to speak of his greatest shortcoming.

Finally, her own tears broke free from her eyes and fell slowly from her face. He met her halfway in their hug, something they hadn't done since they were children. "I'm sorry." He chuckled a bit, mortified of his weakness as a man. Crying just wasn't something Justin did; Jessica had only seen him cry once, and it was over the first time Rudy said, "I hate you." He was rarely sentimental. It was scary when he chose to let it out. At this point, he felt as if it was bound to happen at some point. "If I could go back, I would," he promised her. He would have fixed her problems before they haunted her. He would make sure that her future looked brighter. Now that she had gotten herself in this, it was going to be taxing to drag herself out and get her career back. "I just want you to be happy, Tabitha." He pulled back and grabbed her shoulders firmly. His eyes remained soft. "I'm here to protect you. I owe you that much." He took a deep breath and wiped his face with the sleeve on his arm. He was fully composed now, returning to his normal state.